It’s been 2 weeks since my last blog and it surely wasn’t for lack of trying on my part. I am surprised at some of the struggles I’ve dealt with. If you participated in Ask Me Tell Me, I am grateful for you. I think I only got one comment to post publicly (Hi, Megan!), but I got 3 privately that warmed my heart and made me cry happy tears. Thanks for playing, friends.
I thought March 3rd would be an easy blog to write. My mama had just brought Ender back to us from a long visit with her in Colorado and we were spending a week together before she had to head home. It was amazing having my mom here. I don’t like how far apart we are and my world seemed to be calmer and happier during her visit. If I’m being honest though, the 1st of March will always be a bit sad for me. This year it would have been my sister’s 34th birthday. In the years since we lost her, we would usually spend her birthday posting pictures of her and sharing memories.
This year seemed to be a bit more somber online and it resonated with me. There were birthday wishes and mentions of her, but it felt to me that friends and loved ones did not post many pictures or memories of her. Have we really gotten to the point that we’ve shared all there is to share about Hezzy? No, we have not. Life happens and I wouldn’t expect anyone to dig around in old boxes in the garage looking for some memory of my sister that hadn’t yet been shared.
That said, March 1st will also always be a happy day because it’s also the day my sister “loaned” to my husband so he could take some of the birthday focus off her and ask me to marry him. In 2012, my family came to Orlando, Florida to watch me graduate from college. Matt’s parents also came to celebrate with us. At dinner the night before graduation, there was some fun confusion and cheesecake as Hezzy tried to shove a waiter away from our table as he attempted valiantly to deliver her birthday freebie.
She tried so hard to let Matt shift the focus to me.
With both of those feelings on my mind – and the pending departure of my mom in the week to come – I slacked on posting anything on the 3rd. I waffled between happy and sad and could not find a centered place to organize anything.
And I don’t want to talk about why I didn’t blog on the 10th except to say it was sheer laziness. So there.
There have been some happy things since I posted last! Ender has been in a few really good moods. I won’t jinx it by saying anything silly, but I will voice the hope that maybe we’re finding a nice balance in his emotions where we can communicate more effectively with each other.
Matt and I have had some really great quality time and communication. While not in a bad place, I think I have finally admitted that we needed to solidify some of our communication practices and some of the way we “teamwork.” I can’t go into details without giving out personal information or sharing much more than would be polite, but I wanted to acknowledge how good things have been.
Riley is an amazing kid. Truthfully, every kid is amazing in their own way and I could never discount Ender’s spirited contribution to my life. That said, Riley is unique. I marvel at how he learns, what he picks up easily, what he struggles with, how kind he is… the list goes on and on. Watching him try new things the past couple weeks has really blown my mind. He’s loving horseback riding!
I haven’t been running. I have slacked on writing. My 2 most healing hobbies have fallen into the same category of upkeep as the pile of blankets I need to wash but never seem to get around to because the actual laundry keeps overwhelming me. I need to get back into at least one hobby before my emotional well-being starts to shift. I am a *much* happier me when I’m exercising regularly. This includes both mental and physical exercise!
Okay. According the “rules” I placed on myself for blogging years and years and years ago, I’m late posting this one too. 3 weeks of not prioritizing my expression sucks, but you know what?
I’m still posting. Much love.