I wanted to start off with something cheesy.
“When we last left our hero…”
“In our last episode…”
“Previously on AmandaZahn.com…”
None of those feel like an adequate start after a 5-year absence. Truth be told, I do not feel like a hero – although others have called me one – and my life does not feel like a series of episodes. My last post was a desperate (is there a stronger word for “desperate?”) attempt at maintaining the cathartic dedication of my writing.
It failed so horribly that I not only did not continue writing publicly, I ceased writing completely. I kept no journals. I wrote no notes. I did not copy quotes and phrases that inspired me with the intent to expand on them later. I did not make mental notes of news that impacted me so I could talk about it with myself.
I had a lot to talk about, but my voice was gone.
I lied to myself for a while.
“It’s just a break.”
“Inspiration will come.”
“I don’t need to write to feel better.” (That one was a hard pill to force down my throat.)
In the end, I sank into a bitter unhappiness built upon shattering grief, disappointment, and a slew of other, smaller feelings. I won’t expand on them right now.
So here I am. I hope you’ll again welcome me into your regular reading and I hope my writing allows you to walk away with something positive. I have some kinks and cobwebs to work out. Already this post feels sloppy, rushed. However, I do not want to fall into a trap of ‘it’s not good enough; I’m not ready for this.”
I am better than my self-doubt and I will again find the healing power in my own words.
Cheers, friends, and happy reading.