September 23, 2012 by Amanda Zahn
I do not remember to whom I was speaking when I mentioned my blog last, but I do remember mentioning that I liked my blog better when I was angry. I was on Myspace then, and blogging was truly the way that I expressed pain, sorrow, fear, and doubt. There was enough happiness, pride, and celebration present to offset the angry posts, but the fact is that I used my blog as a tool more than a place of expression.
Looking back on it this afternoon, it is not that I liked my blog better when I was angry at all. What I appreciated was the freedom I wielded. I was happy, I was sad, I championed causes, I lamented decisions, and I pressed hard against oppression – both personal and not.
I still control the same type of freedom; my blog is my own and I can say whatever I please. I can offer my opinion, be it educated or ignorant. I can offer my expertise – training or certification is unnecessary. The loss of freedom that I feel, or the difference between my blog then and today, is that it matters what other people think.
It is not a personal need to appease people. For a time, it was because my blog was available to my superiors – it still is. While I was in school, it was available to my educators – it still is. After I graduated, it was available to potential employers – it still is. Because I was required to care about how they viewed me, I attempted to maintain a nice, neutral feeling on my blog. It is still 100% me, but lacking the fire or fury that drove me before.
I do not think it has changed much. I feel that I have forgotten how to rant and rave at injustice. I have lost the need to draw attention to a slight or an offense. The fury is there, and my passion for championing my opinion is there. Those will never leave me, but my need to place my indignation on the Internet for the world to see is unnecessary.
I do want to sometimes. I want to scream, and point fingers, and denounce others. Why does growing up mean I have to keep my tears and fury off the Internet? *shrug* Because it does.
My previous musing might make perfect sense to some, but others might wonder at the sudden dredging of my blogging history. I do not even know where to begin, but I do know that I have no desire to linger on what upsets me today. Life is great, my support channel is endless, and I have not yet reached the point of worrying over our future. Matt and I will be successful, regardless of the things we cannot control.
The Army said no. There, I said it.
“Set in stone” does not mean much to me. I have seen The Sword in the Stone enough times to know that “set in stone” is optional to a point. The reason for “to a point” involves fate. Arthur was fated to draw the sword and rule the kingdom. I just need to decide where my fate begins and how far I want to push to find it, or to argue with it.
While Matt and I were at dinner at Kim and Heather’s house, they mentioned that perhaps fate was dictating a different path. Their argument is valid – and supported by more friends and family than I could count, although not in the way they all might think. I attempted to get a job; it did not work. I attempted to rejoin the military; it appears to be either impossible or more difficult than I imagined. There is another path possible for me, but a large part of it also depends on fate.
The trip to the Bay Area in California has been fabulous. Matt and I have gone to the scenic areas twice, seen friends a few times, and spent some amazing time with his parents. I think we can say that the trip has been successful as far as chores have been concerned. Matt got his license taken care of and I have had step one of two completed in the deep cleaning. The next trip to the dentist is on Tuesday.
Matt and I were blessed with two glorious days at Fishermans Wharf and the surrounding area. We went once by ourselves and enjoyed some shopping – bamboo sheets and towels are on their way to my mother’s house – and great food and drink – bread bowl soups and chocolate goodness at Ghirardelli Square. The second trip included his parents and Lonny and his mother, Dee. We did not go through the lengths to “tourist” with the whole family, but were able to have a great time eating at the Hard Rock Cafe, shopping a bit, and enjoying the sunshine.
I am marveling at how easy my direction can take a turn. I have been faced with a lack of job opportunities, a wall at my attempt to join the Army, and a directionless motivation for the future. I have motivation, but maybe it is not for something that others would believe of me. Where friends and family would comment at how it is not a great “fit” for me, I believe they would be surprised. Matt surely believes in me.
I would love to be hired and have a job that I enjoy enough to keep doing it. What do I need to do to make fate work towards that end as opposed to the path I seem to have placed at my feet, I wonder?
By the way, thanks Kim and Heather for voicing some of the things that I had considered, but had yet to take seriously.
That is going to do it for tonight. I did not touch on game stuff like I had planned, nor did I talk about Les and Marcy’s 33rd anniversary like I wanted to, but I feel a bit better having publicly addressed the standstill in which I find myself. I wish Sarah were closer. Truth be told, I owe her a phone call from days ago. I also owe Chris a phone call. If you could spare a moment for some good thoughts, send them his way. He needs it and I have no idea how to really help him while he handles the things life is throwing his way.