July 15, 2012 by Amanda Zahn
This evening found me remembering lullabies and other songs from my childhood as I attempted to get Haven to settle down to sleep. She was not screaming, but she was crying. My nieces and nephew have a bedtime routine in which I do not typically get involved. If Hez or Edgar do not do it, my mom and Eric do.
So Haven was not screaming bloody murder, but she was unhappy at the prospect of missing a moment with anyone who remained awake. Picking her up and walking with her stopped the tears, but even in the dark I could see her eyes blinking and moving.
When I started humming, the first song was a melody from Lunar 2: Eternal Blue – a Playstation 2 game that will always be among my favorites – and it was followed by the main song from Pan’s Labyrinth. There are no words for either of them, so remembering them was easy.
She focused on me as I hummed, so I switched to songs with words.
I will jump to my own defense before I continue and say that, yes, I know my singing ability is lacking. Haven is not even two, however, and would not know the difference anyway.
An American Tail’s Somewhere Out There flowed easily into Baby, Mine from Dumbo. You Are My Sunshine became Flying Dreams from The Secret of Nimh. These songs may or may not have ever been sung to me, but I astounded myself by remembering the words to these and more.
She fell asleep in my arms, waking only briefly when I put her back in her bed. I wish it was always that easy to get her to sleep. It is a shame I know better.
I received an interesting message this week that forced me to think. THINKING… the horror! I will not divulge specific contents of the message, but I will comment that the gist of it asked what my choice would be between what I want and what I am.
Generally, these two go hand-in-hand.
The answer to this question was simple enough, but not easy. The consequences of choosing one over the other borders on burning a bridge, even if it is not as extreme as all that. In this situation, it was one or the other; I could not have both. The lesson was straightforward, but it was also chance to see how I would answer, what route I would go, and what type of thought I would put into it.
It was invigorating to be able to think, to put my entire mind into cause and effect. It was liberating to really look at what I would do and how my mind placed pros and cons efficiently.
Anyone who knows me knows that “set in stone” is never set in stone, but what I want and what I am do not conflict here as much as some would think. My heart would soar if all of my dreams came true, but each day that passes makes small changes in those dreams. Maybe they were never “dreams”, but possibilities.
I am a creature set to ride the wave, to land on her feet, to blend into her surroundings, to adapt to her situation, and any other cliche that says I will always be just fine. Maybe those cliches are more than quirky descriptors for me. Maybe they are a list of capabilities or traits.
I do not think I need the “maybe” in that sentence.
I have a serious week ahead of me. Taekwondo testing is on Wednesday and poor Matt will have to do it with a broken toe. Sparring on Friday taught him a valuable lesson regarding kicking someone where they are choosing to block.
My application paperwork is due by Friday, so I am organizing the last of it for submission. My letters of recommendation were humbling and eye-opening. Receiving a recommendation from a former boss, a teacher, a friend, or a relative is a huge deal. It is not a letter to fluff an ego, but to announce support and encouragement. My biggest fear will be letting any of them down.
Let me add that to the laundry list of things that drive me to do more, to be better, and to achieve my goals. Ugh.
I wish everyone a great week and I look forward to the challenges mine will bring me, the surprises and the challenges I instigate myself.