May 6, 2012 by Amanda Zahn
Just when I had settled in for a night of sulking and playing video games on my new Asus Transformer Prime, I realized that it is, in fact, Sunday and I owe a blog. I am lucky enough to have realized this before midnight. Otherwise, it likely would have made a blah night a bad one. Do not mistake me, I am glad to be home, but I am also being motivated by outside forces to find somewhere else.
I am usually the first to comment on how people should think before they speak – or post, as it is relevant here. A quote from The Social Network reminds us that the Internet isn’t written in pencil; it’s written in ink. I am frustrated and disheartened and I likely should not even be posting, but I set a goal and I will meet it. I cannot seem to find a topic or subject that could divert my mind from where it currently resides.
I do not want to talk about health, nutrition, activity, or mindset anymore. “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.” Small steps are good steps and I should be happy enough that I was able to motivate even that.
I do not want to plan my future around hypotheticals anymore. Maybe I will do this, or maybe I will not. Perhaps I will choose that, instead of something else. The point is that my hypothetical path will ALWAYS be dictated by me. Just because I bring it up does not mean it depends on someone else. Maybe some people believe I am using my future as a hostage, but so what? At least I am able to make it known that I have no desire to experience suffering later because of what is now.
I do not want to let jealousy doom me to a life I do not want, even if that jealousy is rightly placed. I will not even elaborate here except to say that I am jealous and it is for a good, and healthy, reason. With this jealousy also comes great pride, so keep doing what you are doing, Hez.
Ugh, this post is depressing and not for reasons most would think so. I did not get the Blizzard internships, and I should be upset about that. I should be able to rant and rave and woe-is-me my eyes out, but I do not feel sad at all. I do not feel pushed aside or rejected. It was a learning experience and, from it, I was introduced to the process, one or two great people – “on the inside”, I will later joke with people – and I was given the opportunity to self-evaluate.
I still love the company, and I still have aspirations of working for them. Maybe I need to change my direction, or jump over a few hurdles first. I am prepared for that.
At this point, I am prepared for anything.
I will start compiling a cover letter in video form tomorrow or the day after. I need to get some film to go with the fabulous pictures that I got while we travelled the last month. I like doing these videos because it feels like it keeps me on track. Making a “formal” announcement of my past and my hopes and plans for the future keeps me focused. This video is being crafted for one company in particular, but I can see it being beneficial for more than just the one. After having Chiara as my Professional Communication and Presentation instructor at Full Sail, the bar is set exceptionally high for this video.
Considering I knew I should not blog angry and the end result was vague enough to get it out, but out enough to offer me some emotional release, I think I did good. The problems are not solved, but that will work itself out. For now, however, I am done. There is very little else that I could say tonight that would make me feel better.
I would absolutely love something to write about next Sunday though. Ask me a question. Give me a scenario to talk through. Give me a unique character attribute for a hypothetical hero.
Good luck this week, and happy reading.