February 26, 2011 by Amanda Zahn
Pay no attention to the title behind the curtain…
I am having an unusual day. Now, this does not mean much considering I have many days that are not ‘normal’, but it seems to be a different type of unusual. The stimulation my brain is handling is difficult to process and is more vivid than normal. It first happened in class a few days ago. I had a flash back, almost like a day-dream gone wrong, from which I could not free my mind. The racing heart, the unsteady breathing, and the shaking hands were nothing compared to the mental image I’d endured.
Some deep breaths later, I was once again focused on the discussion in class. It was not as easy as I make it sound, but I see no reason to harp on something that was ‘interesting’ at best. Today’s mental process has been extremely vivid, colorful, and almost real. I have relished in the good feelings that come from reliving happy memories. It is a favorite thing to do, especially when I am having a down type of day. Today was a good day.
I think the thing I am struggling with the most right this second is coming to terms with a blog that is public and finding a happy medium between what I need to write and what I should not be posting in a place where young people or potential employers could read it. Sometimes what needs to be written to really feel like I have completed something is not content I would let just anyone see. Some of it is military related, some blogs are sexual in nature, others involve personal feelings I’d rather not share with friends – even less with strangers. I can talk fairly openly about myself, my background, my current life, and what got me here, but there are so many things I should not post.
I can offer updates though. Those are easy. I am doing extremely well right now. My grades are definitely something to brag about and my teachers seem to like me. I am starting to dive into the role of being the senator for my degree program. This was hard for me to do because I had never participated in the student government when I was in high school. The other members of the Student Government Association are amazing, however, and they are so much fun.
As I get farther and farther in the degree program at Full Sail, I am starting to drift ever slowly away from my life in the Army. I still miss it, and likely always will, but I do not feel the driving need to rejoin. Does this mean I have written off the tentative plan to go back into the Army once I graduate? No, it does not. If I graduate and there is no call or pull in any one direction, the Army is a safe and secure second choice. It has become a happy memory that I could rekindle any time I wish. This pleases me.
As every month passes, and we end and begin new courses, I have found myself getting more and more attached to my peers. It is not like an affair of sorts, but a great pride. I am proud of their achievements as much as I am my own and every step we take together humbles me. I have no fear of losing most of them to snags in the road or delays in their programs because they are resilient and they want it bad. I look forward to the day we graduate together and I cannot wait to see the pride they wear on their faces when they feel the elation of accomplishment. Of the group of us, I feel like I am the only one who can describe that feeling accurately because I have lived it.
I will keep it short and sweet today. My mental capabilities are hindered by images and memories and I have found myself in a reminiscent, albeit happy, disposition. Reliving some of these feelings has been amazing, and thinking about school and how I am excelling only makes the day even more beautiful than I thought it could be. My readers might find a blog protected with a password next time. You will have to contact me to get the password, but I cannot guarantee it will be given easily, if at all.
Much love, and happy reading.